The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.’ Peter Drucker.

In our last blog, we explored what communication is and why it matters so much to our quality of life and relationships. We also looked at:

the 7 Cs of effective communication: clear, concise, correct, complete, consideration, concrete and courtesy.
body language: our posture, mannerisms, facial expressions and hand gestures.
communication styles: assertive, passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and manipulative.

Have you taken some time to try out our challenge to you in Communication: Part 1? We’d love to hear how you are getting on with it

This month, in Communication: Part 2, we will dive into this important topic even further. Let’s look at:

the importance of active listening
boundaries

Active Listening

What is active listening?

Active listening is listening completely to someone when they are talking to you. It involves being present and attentive, and attuned to non-verbal communication as well as to the words being spoken. It’s about seeking to understand the meaning and intent behind that is being said, with the goal of reaching true common understanding. It conveys a willingness to sit with the other’s perspective, rather than only your own, which involves empathy instead of sympathy (Brené Brown on Empathy explains the difference between the two very well!)

Why is active listening important?

Humans have a deep need to feel seen, heard, understood and valued - this is what creates true connection. We can all think of examples of when we’ve been talking to someone who isn’t really listening. Perhaps you’ve been trying to tell your parent something and they are busy doing chores or half-listening to you as they answer an email. Maybe your friend seemed to be listening but then suddenly started talking about something else that was kind of relevant to what you had been saying, but was more about them. How did that make you feel?

When someone really listens carefully to what you are saying, it feels much better, and creates a more satisfying conversation - especially when we can take turns actively listening to each other. The speaker feels valued and that they matter to the listener. Active listening promotes better communication, and is therefore also very useful for avoiding unnecessary conflict and misunderstandings. Active listening helps you to understand other perspectives and opinions, even if they are not the same as your own.

Using and noticing non-verbal communication

In Communication: Part 1 we discussed that non-verbal communication contributes to the meaning of what is being said. This is important in active listening for two reasons:

You can use non-verbal communication to show that you are really listening: your body language, eye contact, nodding and shaking head, hand gestures, pitch and tone of voice, and physical contact are all relevant here.
You can notice the non-verbal communication of the speaker: what does their body language, eye contact, posture, pitch and tone of voice tell you about the intent and meaning of what they are saying to you?

Tips for the active listener

Be present, mindful and curious - focus on the speaker and their topic, in this moment
Put aside your own thoughts, including what you might say next - these are distractions from fully listening
Listen to understand, not to respond
Try not to interrupt - wait until there is a natural pause
Ask relevant, open-ended questions, to show you are ‘with’ the speaker and understanding what they are saying, and encourage further talking
Use your body language to show that you’re listening, for example, making eye contact and looking at the speaker, nodding
Reflect and paraphrase to check that you’ve understood what’s been said
Put your phone or other device away and on silent so that you are not distracted by notifications
Be patient and tolerate pauses in the conversation - the speaker may be thinking before they speak again
Avoid giving advice or opinions that are not asked for
Think of yourself as a sounding board rather than an advisor

The good news is that - like any other skill - active listening gets much easier with practice!

Example of active listening

Situation: a teacher and a student discuss the student’s difficulties with getting her assignment finished by today’s deadline.

Student: I know, I should have concentrated on getting it done by today, but I just couldn’t. It is half done, I’ll do it by next week.

Teacher: I understand that you haven’t completed the assignment by today, the due date (reflecting). Can you tell me more about why you couldn’t concentrate on getting it done on time? (open-ended question, curiosity)

Student: Well, with all the work going on in the house, it’s been too noisy to concentrate…

Teacher: nodding (showing that she’s listening). What’s been happening at home? (open-ended question)

Student: The upstairs bathroom leaked through the ceiling into the kitchen and my bedroom last week. The whole place is a mess! I usually do my work at the kitchen table, there isn’t a desk anywhere else. Now I have to sleep on the floor in my brother’s room, which is so not comfortable, and the workmen have been in fixing it and it’s so noisy. I can’t think straight.

Teacher: You’re tired from sleeping on the floor and the house is noisy and messy so it’s been difficult to concentrate (paraphrasing to check understanding). That sounds like a hard week at home (validating and showing understanding).

Student feels heard and understood through the teacher’s active listening, so it is then much easier for them to go on to discuss how to problem-solve the situation. For example, is there somewhere else she can study? Is it possible for the teacher to extend the deadline in the circumstances?

Boundaries

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are limitations that each person can use to help define their own identity in relationships: where they end and another person begins. These may relate to many aspects of life including:

physical - to protect your body and your personal space, your need to sleep and eat, what kind of physical touch you are comfortable with.
emotional - to protect your own emotions and feelings as separate from other people’s; your emotional availability and energy; what emotional aspects of yourself you are comfortable sharing
time - how much time you have or want to spend doing something with someone
conversational - what you are comfortable discussing with different people
financial - to protect your own financial resources and possessions, for example your choice whether to lend your clothing or money to a friend
internal energy - relating to how introverted or extroverted you are, to protect your own internal energy in terms of how you spend your time. For example, after a full week at school/college, you may need a day to yourself at the weekend.
mental freedom - the freedom to have your own thoughts, beliefs and opinions
non-negotiable - there will be some limits that absolutely cannot be breached in order for you to feel safe, for example dishonesty or violence.

A boundary communicates to others how a person likes to be treated and what kinds of interactions and conversations they are comfortable with. Boundaries guide actions and behaviours, and in the context of communication, they are important for establishing what is healthy and acceptable for each person in the conversation or relationship.

Example of a boundary in friendship

An example of a weak interpersonal boundary might be in the case of a needy friend who is going through a difficult time and is relying heavily on you for support at any time of the day or night, whether calling or messaging. While you feel love and empathy for your friend - and do want to support her by actively listening to her - doing so at the expense of your own rest and sleep time is not healthy for you. Establishing a healthy boundary about this might look like telling your friend the time when you are available to chat on or offline, and that you won’t be available at other times. You are not responsible for your friend’s emotions and needs, and can only offer the help that it is healthy for you to give, in the time you have available.

(And in this particular example, If it feels like the situation is getting too much for you, and/or you are very concerned about your friend, it’s OK to confide in a trusted adult for advice about how to support your friend, and help her access the support she needs.)

Boundaries when meeting new people

When you meet someone new, they don’t know you or your boundaries yet. It could be that in the course of small talk (see more on this below), the new person does or says something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Noticing this discomfort can help you to identify your own boundaries around new acquaintances. For example, if a person sits or stands too close to you, you can move your body away and/or say ‘I need a little more personal space.’ If you are asked a personal question that you don’t feel comfortable answering, you can choose to say something like ‘I don’t feel comfortable talking about that right now’ and change the subject. Said with a smile and a kind tone, you can establish a clear boundary without offending the other person.

It can be really useful to take some time to think about what your own boundaries are. This might be something you’ve never really thought about before, but it can be very helpful to be clear on what is important to you and to create clear expectations and responsibilities in your relationships and encounters with other people.

*‘Communication is the lifeline of any relationship.’* Elizabeth Bourgeret

Our challenge to you

This coming week, pay attention to the ways in which other people are communicating, both with you and with others. You might use a notebook to take notes, or talk it over with a trusted friend or adult. You could include your family, friends, work colleagues, teachers, lecturers, and even interviews and unscripted reality TV or documentaries. Can you notice when people are actively listening? What happens when active listening takes place compared to when it doesn’t? Can you spot any examples of people being clear about their boundaries? For example, saying no to an invitation, or changing the topic of conversation when they feel uncomfortable.

Further resources