The Skill of Small Talk & Conversation Starters

Every aspect of our relationships is affected by the quality of our conversations with others, including work, study and home life. You may find that you have just a few people close to you with whom you share your problems and challenges, and those relationships are very important to look after. But what about when it comes to meeting new people in the workplace, everyday encounters with strangers, and seeking to make new friends? Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where ‘small talk’ is required, and it might be up to us to start a conversation.

What is ‘small talk’?

Small talk is the informal, casual, light conversation that people have with each other, particularly when they don’t know each other very well. Small talk can be a good way of establishing a connection with a person you are meeting for the first time. The idea is to share a few minutes of polite, friendly conversation, perhaps starting with something common to you both at the moment. For example, the weather that day, the room you are in, the food you are eating. Keep it fairly impersonal to being with. As you get to know someone better over the period of time you are together, it’s natural that the conversation may deepen a little, and some of the ‘not recommended’ topics may come up. However, you can decide what you are and are not comfortable talking about (see our last blog for more details).

Small Talk Topics

Recommended

Weather
Weekend activities
Holidays
Work/study
Food
Hobbies and interests
Common ground - people, places, activities you both know about/where you are at that moment
Current affairs - what’s going on in the world

Not recommended

Religion
Death
Sex
Gossip
Money & finances
Complaining
Age and appearance
Inappropriate humour or jokes
Political debates

Active listening skills are very useful when meeting new people - listening attentively, asking open-ended questions and noticing body language are all helpful in building a rapport and connection, and finding common ground. Try not to monopolise the conversation and go into too much detail about something the other person doesn’t know about - unless they are specifically asking you, of course!

Social niceties/etiquette

There are a few social niceties and aspects of etiquette that are worth remembering in small talk situations.

Remove sunglasses and earphones/earbuds, unless you are wearing them for medical reasons (for example, prescription dark glasses or earphones to protect hearing or help with noise sensitivity). You can explain briefly why you need to keep them on. Otherwise, remove sunglasses to improve eye contact, and remove both earbuds when talking to someone, otherwise it appears that you are only giving the other person half of your attention.
Say ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘you’re welcome’ where relevant, for example, if the new person you are meeting offers you a drink or you pass them a pen.
Introduce someone you’re accompanying or interacting with to others you know. This helps to make people feel included and important. If you can, also share something about each person to help them start their own conversation. For example, how you know/met each person, where they each work, a common interest you’re aware of.

Conversation starters - examples

Think about sharing some information about yourself and asking open-ended questions, rather than questions that provide a yes/no/one-word answer. (The ‘why?’ part may come in a follow-up question instead of being asked at the same time!) Be curious and learn about the person you are talking to.

What did you get up to at the weekend?
What’s your favourite song right now? I’m looking for recommendations.
What’s the funniest thing that’s happened in class this week?
Who is someone at school/college/work you admire and why?
What’s your favourite subject and why?
I tried rock climbing at the weekend! Have you ever tried it? Is there any adventure sport you’d like to try and why?
What’s the best piece of advice you’ve received from a friend or family member?
If you could travel anywhere in the world tomorrow, where would you go and why?
Have you seen any good movies lately? I could use a recommendation.
What are you watching on Netflix? I’m looking for recommendations.
What’s the last book you read? What was it about?
What’s something that made you laugh today?
How long have you been studying Spanish? What do you like about it?
I’m thinking about taking a day trip up to the coast soon. Have you been there? Where do you like to go?

*‘Life is a conversation. Make it a good one.’* Glennon Doyle Melton

Building confidence in communication skills

The best way to build confidence in your communication skills is to practise all the things we have discussed in our previous blogs on Communication! But, you don’t have to jump in and do everything at once. Start with just one aspect and build from there over time.

Here are 10 top tips for building your confidence in communicating with others:

Put yourself in social situations where you will have to practise these skills!
Remember that other people may be nervous about meeting new people too.
Before you go to a new event or environment, think of a couple of different conversation starters you might use.
Try to receive information in the spirit it is intended - for example, if someone is trying to tell you a funny story, greet it with a smile or laugh. Understanding someone’s intention - even if you don’t actually find the story particularly funny! - will build connection.
Remember your body language - you can practise aspects of this at home looking in the mirror, or with a trusted friend or family member.
Think about your own current communication style and how effective that is for you - what can you practise to become a more assertive communicator?
Practise active listening with a trusted friend or family member. You can even set a timer and practise really listening to each other for say 5 minutes at a time, and build up. Take turns! Notice how it feels to be listened to without interruption.
Consider your own boundaries, so that you can be clear about them in your communication with others.
Remember the 7 Cs: clear, concise, correct, complete, consideration, concrete, courtesy.
Smile!

Asking for help

If you are finding any aspects of communication difficult, do consider talking it over with a trusted adult. A parent, guardian, older sibling, friend, relative or teacher may be able to help you. Try and choose someone whose communication style you admire and ask them if they could make some time to chat with you.

Some things you might like to discuss:

in what areas and relationships in your life is communication challenging?
are there any people in your life with whom you find it easier to communicate clearly?
whether there are any particular aspects of communication you find difficult, and why that might be
how the adult learned to communicate well, and whether there’s anything useful from their story that you can learn from and practise in your life

If you are struggling to identify someone in your life to have this discussion with, perhaps your school guidance teacher or counsellor can help.

‘We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.’

- Epictetus

Our challenge to you

Pay attention to how people communicate in different situations, whether you’re involved in the conversation or just observing others. This could include everyday interactions with shop assistants, medical receptionists, librarians, bus drivers etc. Reflect on what parts of this communication you would like to practise and make a plan to do it!