‘The way we communicate with others and ourselves ultimately determines our quality of life.’ - Tony Robbins
‘She just doesn’t listen.’
‘I wish he would tell me more.’
‘Why didn’t they reply to my email?’
‘I feel so uncomfortable explaining what I think and feel.’
‘I hate small talk.’
‘Why does she always cross her arms and look away?’
Do any of these sound familiar? For most people - whatever their age and stage of life, and in every area of their lives - communication with others is both vital and, at times, problematic. Depending on their own individual family upbringing, schooling, culture, beliefs, neurodivergence and many other factors, each person learns to communicate in their own way. Unfortunately those ways do not always meet harmoniously! Happily though, like any other life skills, we can learn more about and how we communicate. We’ll look at some tips for doing just that in this and our next blog.
In this blog, we are going to dive into what communication is and why it matters so much. We are also going to look at:
the 7 Cs of effective communication
body language
communication styles
Look out for our Communication: Part 2 blog, in which we will cover more including:
the importance of active listening
boundaries
‘Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity.’ - Nat Turner
What is communication and why does it matter?
Communication is the sharing of information, experiences, feelings and ideas between two or more people, with the goal of reaching common understanding. Communication is fundamental to human survival and the ability to thrive in cohesive social groups, whether in the home, workplace, school or elsewhere.
There are many different methods of communication:
Verbal communication
intrapersonal communication - how we speak to ourselves inside our heads (you may find our previous blogs on Dealing with Negative Thoughts and Growth Mindset useful for improving intrapersonal communication).
interpersonal communication - communication between two or more people, either face-to-face in person, or over video or telephone call.
oral communication
uses the medium of sound only to convey messages.
public communication
where the sender conveys a message to a mass of people or audience either face-to-face or via the internet, television or radio. For example, an announcement by the Prime Minister.
Examples of verbal communication include face-to-face conversations, telephone calls, giving speeches or presentations, interviews, group discussions, and sending voice notes.
Non-verbal communication
body movements, such as hand gestures, nodding or shaking head and facial expressions. These contribute to feelings that communication has been understood.
paralanguage, which describes the non-verbal elements of communication that contribute to the meaning of what is being said. These include pitch and tone of voice, emphasis on certain words, speed of speech and pauses. For example, the same words may have very different meanings depending on the tone and pitch of the voice.
haptic communication is physical contact between people that conveys a message or feeling, such as hand-holding to convey comfort, a high five to convey task accomplishment or ‘well done’, or a hug to communicate love.
Examples of non-verbal communication include handshakes in friendly greeting, using a raised voice or shouting to communicate anger, nodding in agreement, gasping in surprise, turning away in disgust and putting up a hand to convey that you want someone to stop what they are doing or saying.
Written communication
exchanging information through words, letters and symbols
Examples of written communication include text messaging, other instant online messaging, emails, letters, leaflets, advertisements, application forms, questionnaires and surveys.
Visual communication
transmitting information through signs, illustrations, drawings, animation, colours and typography.
Examples of visual communication include posters, road signs, advertisements, charts, graphs, and presentations.
Listening communication
All effective communication requires attentive listening skills. Listening may take place during:
face-to-face conversation - listening to what others are saying during conversation
radio or podcast - listening to news, music, discussion, educational and entertainment programmes
studying - taking down notes in class or at lectures or tutorials
Why does this matter?
The goal of effective communication is common understanding, and we can all think of examples in our lives where this is achieved, and also not achieved. For example, how was your class or exam timetable communicated to you from your school or college? Did you understand it immediately or did you have to ask some questions? Perhaps you have been given verbal instructions at home, in class or at work - were they clear and complete? Did you find it easy to listen to understand the instructions? It can be helpful to reflect on what types of communication you receive in a day, and notice which types you find easier than others. How do you feel when you don’t understand what’s being said to you, or what is being asked of you?
A lack of effective communication between people often breeds misunderstandings, and assumptions of what the other person thinks, feels or believes. Misunderstandings can lead to all kinds of problems, and assumptions are often incorrect! In contrast, good communication leads to clarity, understanding and connection. In this blog we are focusing mainly on face-to-face interpersonal communication, which is usually the clearest method of communication because misunderstandings may be resolved immediately.
‘Communication works for those who work at it.’ - John Powell
The 7 Cs of Effective Communication
The 7 Cs of communication are often quoted or listed in communication skills resources. These originate from a book that was published back in 1952, called Effective Public Relations by Scott M. Cutlip and Allen H. Center. Although often used in business communication, they are also very useful principles for successful face-to-face communication too. Let’s have a look at each of them in turn.
Clear - be clear and straightforward. Over-complicating what you say can lead to misunderstandings, or to aspects of what you have said being missed.
Concise - keep it short and to the point as much as you can.
Correct - tell the truth and provide correct information as far as you are aware of it. (In written communication, check that your spelling and grammar, and any dates or other details are correct before you hit send.)
Complete - is your message complete? Have you said all you need to say now on this point?
Consideration - consider who is receiving your message and whether there’s any more information they might need in order to be able to respond properly to you.
Concrete - be specific and give a clear idea about what you want the next action to be
Courtesy - be friendly, polite and respectful
Example of a voice note or online message sent to a friend:
Hey Stuart, how’s your week going? (courtesy)
I’d love to meet up this week if you’re free? (clear and concise) Do you fancy joining me for a dog walk on Sunday morning? I can do anytime between 10am and 1pm (correct, complete and considerate). If Sunday is no good for you, how about Monday evening after 7pm instead? Let me know! (concrete)
Example of telling your teacher that you’re struggling with an assignment:
Hi, Mr Smith - can I please talk to you about the history assignment? (courtesy) I’m finding it really difficult. (clear and concise). I’d find it helpful if you could go over with me again about what I need to do. (concrete) Do you have time today after class? If not, could you see me tomorrow? (correct, considerate, complete)
Keeping the 7Cs in mind when we communicate can help us to avoid misunderstandings and increase the likelihood of effective and successful communication.
Body Language
‘The body never lies.’ - Martha Graham
Of course, in face-to-face interpersonal communication, it isn’t just our words that matter. Our posture, mannerisms, facial expression and hand gestures convey so much to other people about how we are feeling and what we are thinking. It can show whether we are relaxed and content, friendly and approachable, or whether we are fearful or angry. It can reveal whether our words match what we are thinking and feeling. Our body language can also display our communication style.
How we communicate through our body language is a skill that everyone can learn and improve upon, whatever their starting point. Presenting a warm, open, authentic version of ourselves tends to lead to better communication with others.
In order to appear present and engaged with those around us, we may wish to avoid negative body language. This might look like slouching, grimacing, crossed arms, head down, turning away.
In contrast, positive body language might look like holding a good posture, wearing a friendly facial expression, and showing that we are listening by maintaining eye contact with the person talking, perhaps nodding or verbally acknowledging what they are saying. In this way we appear to be engaged with those around us.
‘When our body language is confident and open, other people respond in kind, unconsciously reinforcing not only their perception of us but also our perception of ourselves.’ - Amy Cuddy
Communication Styles
We each have different communication styles that are usually learned from our caregivers and other adults and children around us and develop throughout our childhood. Understanding our own communication style can be very useful to help us untangle difficulties we are having in communicating with family, friends, colleagues and teachers or lecturers. Often these difficulties can come down to whether we are able to effectively identify and communicate our needs and feelings. We also might notice that while we use one communication style with some people in our lives, we use another with others. For example, we might be assertive with friends and aggressive with siblings.
Read through the styles and see which one(s) you most recognise in yourself and your family and friends:
Assertive
Coming from a solid foundation of confidence, the assertive communication style is clear and direct. The assertive communicator is very happy to collaborate, and will explain their own needs and wants in a straightforward manner. Listens well to others and is respectful of conflicting views, needs and feelings. Often positive and optimistic, tends to remain calm and coherent and use ‘I’ statements. For example, ‘I felt upset when you ate my slice of cake’ rather than ‘you’re such a greedy pig, you always nick my cake!’
Assertive body language may include eye contact, straight posture, relaxed gestures, open, friendly expressions.
Passive
Conflict-avoidant and people-pleasing, the passive communicator will often swallow their own needs in order to ‘keep the peace’. They may profess ‘I don’t mind’ or ‘I don’t care’ when presented with a choice, when really they do mind or care. Passive communicators may often let aggressive communicators take the lead. They suppress their own feelings, needs and wants and may feel resentment afterwards. Anger may build up over time.
Passive body language may include looking away or down, finding it hard to maintain eye contact, hunching or fiddling.
Aggressive
Confident and intimidating, the aggressive communicator wants to win. Often hostile, defensive and argumentative, they believe their opinion or idea is better and more important than others’. Aggressive communicators often ‘steamroll’ others into their plans, and fail to listen properly or consider their needs and feelings. Can struggle to work effectively in teams.
Aggressive body language may include dismissive gestures and expressions, pointing, standing too close and eye-rolling.
Passive-Aggressive
This type of communicator may appear easy-going and passive on the surface, but underneath there is a lot of frustration and anger. Rather than come right out and state directly what they do not like or agree with, the passive-aggressive communicator may use patronising or condescending statements, spread rumours and gossip, or give people the silent treatment. They do not fully consider others’ needs and feelings.
Passive-aggressive body language may include passive body language but also more subtly aggressive actions, such as sarcastic expressions, silent eye-rolling, crossing arms and pouting.
Manipulative
This style of communication is not often easy to spot initially. Manipulative communicators use lies and deception to try to influence outcomes and get what they want. Their true motivation may be hidden, and they consider only their own needs and feelings. Rather than speak to others directly and honestly, a manipulative communicator is more likely to try to trick others to get what they want. In some cases manipulation may even amount to emotional abuse. If you suspect that you are being manipulated, or that you are manipulating someone else, please talk to a trusted adult.
Manipulative body language may include rubbing hands together, tapping pens or feet to convey impatience to make you agree with them quickly, or any other bodily gesture intended to trick or deceive.
Asking for help
If you are finding face-to-face communication and reading body language difficult, do consider talking it over with a trusted adult. A parent, guardian, older sibling, friend, relative or teacher may be able to help you. Try to pick someone whose communication style you admire and ask them if they could make some time to chat with you.
Some things you might like to discuss:
in what relationships in your life is communication challenging?
are there any people in your life with whom you find it easier to communicate clearly?
whether there are any particular aspects of communication you find difficult, and why that might be
how the adult learned to communicate well, and whether there’s anything useful from their story that you can learn from and practise in your life
If you are struggling to identify someone in your life to have this discussion with, perhaps your school guidance teacher or counsellor can help.
‘We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.’ - Brené Brown
Our challenge to you
This week, notice and reflect on how you are communicating in different relationships and environments. You might use a notebook for this purpose, or talk it over with a trusted friend or adult. Where and with whom do you notice that you communicate more honestly and clearly? Where and with whom is communication more challenging? What do those challenges feel like? Do you listen to others to understand their perspectives, or to formulate your own reply? Do you feel listened to and understood when you speak? Consider body language too. Do you notice any particular postures or body language in yourself, or others?
After becoming more aware of your own communication patterns and challenges, you can identify any areas to work on. Try using the 7Cs and then notice and reflect on how that goes. Communication skills really are like any other skill - you can always learn and improve from where you are. You can do it!
Look out for our Communication: Part 2 blog coming soon.
Further resources
Communication Skills for Teens by Dr Michelle Skeen, PsyD
How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie
What is Non-Verbal Communication?
Body Language: The Key to Your Subconscious | Ann Washburn | TEDxIdahoFalls
How To Improve Communication Skills? 12 Effective Tips To Improve Communication Skills
7 tips for helping students develop their body language