‘If you have good thoughts, they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.’ - Roald Dahl

I’ve always loved this quote by one of my favourite childhood authors, from his novel ‘The Twits’. I think he was mainly talking about the difference between kind and unkind thoughts we have about other people. But the same thing applies to how we think inside our heads about ourselves and our own experiences. Wouldn’t it be lovely if that voice was always kind, helpful and positive? I know if mine was, then sunbeams really would shine out my face!

But the reality is that almost all humans experience the effects of negative thoughts at some point in their lives. Every one of us experiences unwanted thoughts and feelings sometimes. It’s true! If that feels hard to believe, spend a few minutes watching Our Common Fate and hopefully you’ll feel less alone.

Whether you’re experiencing repetitive core belief thoughts about yourself, such as ‘I’m not good enough’, or you find it hard not to object to positive ideas - ‘yes, but …’ - the very good news is that there are lots of things you can do to help handle your negative thoughts. In this blog post, we’re going to look at:

why humans experience negative thoughts
consequences of negative thinking
types of negative thinking patterns
ways to handle negative thoughts
our challenge to you, to help you learn how to deal with your own negative thoughts

By the end of this blog, we hope you’ll be willing to find a way to befriend your inner pessimist - who’s only trying to protect you - and give some of these tips a go. Do let us know how you get on!

Why do we experience negative thoughts?

The answer to this may lie in how our human brains have evolved. In ancient hunter-gatherer times, we lived in tune with nature, and alert to actual physical threats around us. Those who paid more attention to the threats, risks and dangers around them were simply more likely to survive, and then pass down their genes and tendencies to be attentive to danger. Human brains are still wired in the same way, even if the perceived threats around us have become less physical. This negativity bias is a survival instinct and a way for our brains to try to keep us safe.

Have a think about any negative thoughts or experiences you’ve encountered in the past week. Perhaps you wore a new outfit, or showed something you had made to a friend. Which comments or feedback have stuck in your mind? It’s often the one negative comment out of lots of positive comments that stays with us. And that one negative comment can be amplified inside your head if you replay it, agree with it, and use it as ‘proof’ of something negative you believe about yourself.

Becoming aware that your brain has a tendency to dwell on the negative - and for very good reason - is the first step to learning how to deal with negative thoughts.

Consequences of negative thinking

Because of the negativity bias, it is very easy to get caught in a loop with negative thinking and negative self-talk. The brain is wired to look for the negative, sees it, reacts to it, feels stressed, notices it as proof of the negative, then looks for it again. Meanwhile, positive things may also be happening but they are harder to grasp on to.

It’s very common to spend a lot of time ‘in your head’, replaying past events, anticipating future ones, imagining outcomes and focusing on dissatisfactions. However, this can prevent you from enjoying your life, and can be extremely tiring and draining. You may feel anxious, stressed and uncomfortable a lot of the time, and develop low self-esteem.

Thoughts, actions and feelings are all interconnected. If you are experiencing a lot of negative thoughts, those thoughts will impact your feelings and actions. In a similar way, difficult feelings affect your thoughts and actions, and what you do affects your thoughts and feelings. Again, becoming more aware of our negative thoughts is the first important step in learning how to deal with them.

‘You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.’ - from Winnie the Pooh by A.A. Milne

Types of negative thinking patterns

These are some common types of negative thoughts. Do any of them sound familiar to you? Perhaps some of your thoughts fall into these categories, or you have noticed others around you talking aloud in some of these ways?

All-or-nothing thinking

What it is: seeing things in extremes of one way or the other, but nothing in between - black or white but no shades of grey; perfect or complete failure; often ‘always’ or ‘never’ statements.
Examples:

‘I didn’t pass that maths prelim so I’ll never get into university’
‘I got an F in that test - I always do badly’
‘She always ignores me’

Catastrophising

What it is: assuming that the worst possible outcome will occur, even if it’s not actually very likely. This type of thinking pattern can cause a lot of stress, and focusing so much on possibilities can divert your attention from the actual here and now. Also called magnifying.
Examples:

‘I’ll die of embarrassment if X happens!’
‘I’ve not heard from her for a few days - she must not want to be friends with me anymore’
‘What if I don’t get into college? I’ll never find a job’

Overgeneralisation

What it is: applying what happened in one negative experience or situation to all possible future experiences or situations.
Examples:

‘The sales assistant in that shop was really rude to me. Sales assistants are always really rude’
‘I forgot my packed lunch today. I always forget everything’
‘That party was really awful. I hate parties’

Emotional reasoning

What it is: you feel something and believe it’s true just because you feel it, even if there’s no other evidence. This can lead to further negative thinking and feeling anxious.
Examples:

‘I feel totally overwhelmed by this homework, therefore I must be unable to do it’
‘I feel angry with you, so you must have done something wrong’
‘I feel nervous on escalators, therefore escalators are not safe’

Disqualifying the positive

What it is: treating a positive experience or situation as a fluke or lucky accident that doesn’t ‘count’, while keeping low, negative expectations for the future. Also called minimising.
Examples:

‘Yes, but …’
‘Yes, I did well on that test. I was just really lucky with the questions’
‘Susie asked me out, but she was just being nice - she doesn’t really fancy me’

Jumping to negative conclusions

What it is: making negative assumptions about what others are thinking and feeling, usually in relation to you; making negative assumptions about what will happen in future situations, looking for ‘evidence’ to support the negative conclusion. This can have an affect on your behaviour. Related to ‘mind-reading’ or ‘fortune-telling’.
Examples:

‘I’m running late to meet him - he’ll be angry with me and won’t want to go out with me again’ (without asking him what he thinks)
‘I failed the last science test, so I won’t do well on this science test’ (so you panic, don’t study effectively and then do badly, thereby ‘proving’ to your prediction to yourself)
‘They are always cross with me - they’re never going to be proud of me’

‘Should’ statements

What it is: thinking in terms of ‘should’, ‘must’, ‘should not’, ‘must not’ - this type of thinking can create rigid, unrealistic expectations about what you ‘have’ to do, with negativity being reinforced when you don’t meet the expectations. Being bound to these imperatives reduces flexibility.
Examples:

‘I should be able to write that essay on Saturday, it shouldn’t take that long’ (then, when it takes longer than expected, you give yourself a row for not doing it ‘quickly enough’)
‘I must pass my driving test first time - it’s too expensive to pay for more lessons and tests’ (only around 50% of people pass first time, so that’s not a realistic expectation, and putting that pressure on yourself will make you more nervous)
‘I shouldn’t have been late to that rehearsal, now I look flakey’ (even if the lateness was due to the bus running late, not you)

Labelling/Mislabelling

What it is: putting labels on yourself or others that are inaccurate or negative, which creates judgement rather than understanding. This makes it difficult to fully see or understand yourself or the person behind the label, or make room for change.
Examples:

‘I’m bad at maths’
‘He’s such a fake, I can’t trust a word he says’
‘She’s not even trying - she never tries at anything’

Personalisation and blame

What it is: assuming that you are to blame for everything that goes wrong. Taking responsibility for things you have no control over. Alternatively you may blame other people for things that aren’t their responsibility or fault. All of this creates a lot of unnecessary stress.
Examples:

‘Kirsty ignored me on the bus this morning, she wasn’t even smiling. I must have done something yesterday to upset her’ (most likely Kirsty’s mood has nothing to do with you)
‘Mum and Dad are arguing all the time about me and my brother. If they get a divorce it’ll be my fault’ (your parents’ relationship is not your responsibility)
‘Johnny was so rude to Mr Jamieson, it’s all his fault my favourite teacher is leaving!’ (you’re not likely to know all the reasons why a teacher may change jobs, and it’s unlikely to be all because of one student’s rudeness)

‘Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.’ - Brene Brown

How to handle your negative thoughts

Practice spotting or catching your negative thoughts. This might be quite difficult at first, and that’s ok! Are there certain times of the day when you are more likely to have them?

Notice that even though there may be negative thoughts about the future and the past, at this moment right now, everything is ok. Take a few deep breaths and feel your feet on the ground.

Do not judge yourself for your negative thoughts - remember your brain is wired to dwell on the negative! Try to cultivate curiosity and a little kind humour in this process, as well as empathy and compassion for yourself. You’re doing your best.

Identify your negative thoughts by using the list above - what type are they? Do you notice that you tend to experience more of one type of negative thinking than others? You may have negative thoughts that don’t fall into any of the types listed, and that’s ok too.

Gently challenge your negative thoughts. Is there really any evidence? Is there anything you can do to find out? For example, in the Personalisation and blame example above, you might ask Kirsty if she’s upset with you in order to find out what’s really going on with her.

Start to befriend that part of you that has negative thoughts by noticing it and talking to it kindly. What would you say to someone you love who told you they were thinking the same thing about themselves?

‘How would my friend/famous person I admire deal with this?’ Choose two or three people that you look up to. These could be people in your daily life (family, friends, teachers, colleagues etc) or people you admire from afar (for example, a musician, a writer, a radio presenter or podcast host, a vlogger or someone you follow on social media). Whenever you find yourself in a negative thought pattern ask yourself: "what would X do right now? How would they deal with this situation? What advice would they give me?’

Intentionally focus on the positives - practice noticing your strengths and positive things that happen in your daily life, and take some time afterwards to replay them in your head. You can also write about them in your journal, or talk about them with friends and family.

Practise gratitude - every day think of, write down or discuss with a trusted friend or family member three things that you are grateful for today. Over time this practice will help you to look for and appreciate the good things in your life.

Intentionally ‘park’ your negative thoughts and worries by having an imaginary drawer you put them all in and shut when you need to get on with something else, like relaxing and sleeping. You might even find they don’t seem so bad the next time you open the drawer.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed with negative thoughts, do seek help - talk to a friend or family member, or speak to your guidance teacher, counsellor or GP. There are also lots of helplines for young people, such as Childline 0800 1111, The Mix 0808 808 4994 and Shout (text 85258). You’re not alone.

Like any new skill, it will take a little time to learn how to notice, identify and challenge your negative thoughts. Be kind to yourself. Use a notebook or make time to talk to a trusted family member or friend. Hopefully, over time you’ll notice that your negative thinking patterns are reducing. And you’ll notice more and more delights every day!

‘My delight grows - much like love and joy - when I share it’ - Ross Gay

Our challenge to you

This week try to focus on noticing your negative thoughts. If you can, use a notebook or your phone to write them down as you go through your day. Or, if that’s difficult, set aside some time in the evening to remember what you’ve been thinking about that day. For each thought, take some time to reflect on how much it’s really true - gently challenge each one. Remember to talk to yourself with love, empathy and compassion, like you would with a good friend.

Then, take a few minutes to write down two or three good things that happened today, and two or three things you are grateful for today. You might want to note these in a separate notebook or list.

At the end of the week, review how it’s been for you. Did you find it easier to notice negative thoughts as the week went on? How many good things happened this week? What are you most grateful for this week?

‘Every morning is a fresh start. Wake up with a thankful heart.’ - Kristen Butler